Bad day

Ex-Bossman's wife died this morning. It's amazingly unfair, so extremely hard to believe that I'm still in a funk of confusion. Honestly, I didn't know much about her, really. She was the boss's wife. She was a decent enough lady, kind of spoiled but overall a kind-hearted human being. They were the kind of couple who made the rest of us jealous because they had such a loving relationship even after 35 years of marriage. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is going to be on him. I used to joke about them being so close that one was going to die within a week of the other - meaning, of course, that it would happen in their extreme old age. How can one anticipate something like this? She went within 4 weeks of the initial diagnosis. Glad I sent her flowers before she went into the coma. I can't get over how badly I feel for poor Bossman. But now I'm completely lost for what to say to him and yet he is the one I grieve for. Life is good but sometimes it is just incredibly unfair. Don't tell me there's some great bearded grandfather in the sky who willed her death for some unknowable reason because it was 'her time'. Bullshit.

So I head to the shit job after getting the bad news and the day goes downhill from there. Spent an hour looking for a file the boss had lost back in February without any luck, and I take grief because the client's upset and I can't cure it. At one point I did find a check on the boss's desk which was dated about a month ago, apparently written to pay a client's fines; when presented to the paralegal in charge of the criminal files, I was greeted with, "Who gives a shit? Do I look like I care? Put it in the client's file or whatever." I've been listening to clients complain of bad service since I started there. The lack of compassion shown is staggering. Halfway through the day I came to the realization that I just cannot do it. I can't work in an environment where the people just don't care. When the office manager from hell told me I would have to come in at 7 AM to meet with the lawyer in order to get the pleading he has neglected to prepare (and thus missed a deadline with the Supreme Court) I laughed in her face. Just could not help myself. She was offended. Guess what, bitch? I just don't give a shit. It's not my problem. I'm going to walk away from the first paying gig I've had in 7 months with few regrets because these people can't be bothered to do a respectable job or pay me the courtesy of treating me as a valued new member of the team.

Get to the house in a foul mood and no one's home. Then Sweetie & offspring return to tell me that the dinner plan has been made and I have to eat dinner with his entire family. The bad of the day accumulated and brimmed over. In seconds I'm blubbering like a baby, snotting on everything about my crappy day. Thank goodness Sweetie is such an understanding guy. He made excuses for me so I didn't have to go. Spent more time crying just to get it out.

Not sure it really is all out of my system yet. The patent unfairness of it all just keeps jumping out from behind the mundane thoughts in my head and smacking me upside my skull.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.